I received the paperwork through my email, Dissolution of Marriage. My heart dropped as I put my head in my hands willing myself to breathe slowly as my heart pounded. “This is it”, I thought as I forwarded the entire stack of legal jargon to my lawyer, with a simple voicemail stating that he was hired immediately. Divorce is not something that you dream about. It isn’t something you plan for in the future or hope to tell your kids one day. Divorce is ugly, it is the essence of betrayal, and it completely tears both parties apart; only leaving brokenness in its wake.
We lost our way a long time ago; something changed and over time the life I prayed for became shattered and darkened. Then one day he blurted out the words I knew deep down were coming, though it still hurt like someone had punched me square in the gut: “I want a divorce.” I left our home with our son and started a process that has changed me forever. I have seen the very worst in each of us, but I have also seen the very best in what God can do.
“Marriage breaks us and remakes us, and out of wreckage can come resurrection. There always has to be a dying for there to be loving. Look at Love Himself.” **
To be honest I don’t know what this resurrection is going to look like, but I do know that Jesus is in the business of raising people and renewing souls, so I must believe He will renew this, no matter what the outcome. I am trying to see the best in what looks like the worst situation. The incredible thing about all of this is that the Lord is still faithful. When everything around me has been broken, the promises I find in the Bible still ring true. One of the most amazing things about Jesus is that He truly fulfills every need that we have.
“For your Maker is your Husband–
The Lord Almighty is His name—
The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
He is called the God of all the earth.”
To know that I serve the God that also calls Himself my husband astonishes me. Being married is the most intimate relationship you can have with another person. You truly “bear all things” with another in every way. To find the promise that Jesus is our Husband provides the ultimate source of security and trust, binding up all the wounds in my heart that have longed to be known and secure in such a way. This promise in the book of Isaiah shows that where we fail in marriage-which every single one of us will- the Lord will fill in the gaps and not just fill, but overflow to us in abundance. I will never be the perfect wife or have the perfect husband, but we don’t need perfection when we have Jesus, because Jesus is enough.
This soul-knowing love is what I crave and what I have found only to be true in the Person of Jesus. There is no betrayal or pain, with Him I am secure, worthy and loved, even in all my sin. Isn’t that what we all want? To know that we are safe, that there is always more grace and in the end love wins. This wreckage that I am in the middle of is remaking me. What broke me is not the end, broken things are always restored through the cross because we are ultimately married to the Bridegroom Himself.
I wish I could tell you my story was different, that fairy tales where true and that life wasn’t filled with so much brokenness. I wish I could tell you that everything will work out, but I just don’t know what the future holds. What I can tell you is that the Lord-He is faithful- that I can walk through whatever will come out of this knowing that Jesus is the One who holds me. I can rest in Him, and rest assured that He will never forsake me. I am learning a reliance on the Lord that I would have never learned otherwise. I am experiencing what it means to remain steadfast and true. I am learning an extension of grace that sometimes cuts me right to the core and that most wounds people carry are never physical. The deepest needs that we have, are met at the cross. We may lose everything in this life, but one thing remains: Jesus. He is your Husband; the Lord Almighty is His name.
“The triune God came for more than making us right with Him. He came to make us one with Him.
He came for more than cleaning us up and making us right.
He came to marry us and make us His.
He came for more than making a way to what we want.
He came to make a way for us to want Him most.”
***Ann Voskamp: Waymaker pg 60 & 62***